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This is the very first humor column I ever wrote for publication.
It ran in a local bi-weekly paper called The Davis County Clipper
back in 1990. As was typical, I was paid a dollar per column inch
which worked out to about six bucks for this column. Not a lot of
money, but the editor liked my stuff and offered me a regular spot
on the Op Ed page. Short Cummings was born.
Following this publication,
I wrote for the Clipper for a little over a year until a new editor
arrived and decided they no longer needed my services.
After that, I put
the columns away in a drawer and forgot about them. From time to
time my wife nudged me to write more and, when I wanted to start
podcasting, she suggested reviving the old column in a new format.
I'd like to think
that my writing has improved, but I'll leave that to the audience
to judge.
Thanks for taking
the time to drop by! I hope you enjoy this little slice of my history.
I recently took a long car trip with my family and it brought
back a lot of long-forgotten memories. When I was growing up,
my parents' idea of a vacation included several hours trapped
in a car with my brother and me. We always went to visit one relative
or another. At the time, I doubted their sanity. Now that I'm
a parent, I know they were insane, but I understand why.
My grandparents, who live in Nebraska, haven't yet had a chance
to meet my two year old son. Proud father that I am, I wouldn't
want to deny them that opportunity (besides, he's pretty much
wrecked my home, it's time he attacked someone else's!) My wife
had a week off during the first of August so we decided to drive
to Nebraska. Since we were going to see my mother's parents, we
invited her along as well. Oh, and we also invited mom to drive.
We left early on a Wednesday morning. When I was young I always
wondered why my parents left before dawn. I understand now. You
leave before dawn for the same reason that executions take place
at that hour--if you really thought about what you plan to do,
you couldn't go through with it.
By the time the sun crept over the horizon, we had made it out
of Utah. That's when road boredom crept in. When you drive all
day, everything begins to look the same. This is especially true
if you're traveling through Wyoming and Nebraska. By ten in the
morning I was certain that we had been on the road all day.
Fortunately, my two-year-old is a pretty good traveler. He sat
in the back with my wife and entertained her by demanding a different
toy every two minutes. This was good as it gave both of them something
to do; my son played with the toys and my wife threatened to kill
me if I ever suggested another car trip. By the time we stopped
that night, I was agreeing with her.
Fortunately, the second day was easier than the first. We only
had about six hours driving to do. We pulled into the little town
of Friend, Nebraska, at about one.
My grandparents were delighted to see us, and they made us feel
right at home. They made all the appropriate comments about my
son's intelligence and charm, and I humbly attributed it all to
good parenting.
I had forgotten one thing. Old folks collect knick-knacks. My
grandparent's house is full of breakable objects which are just
in my son's reach. I spent the entire three-and-a-half days in
Friend chasing my son and yelling "Don't touch." I'm
sure my son thinks I have a psychosis about touching other people's
belongings.
I had also forgotten that mom and I had lived with my grandparents
for about a year. The Air Force had given dad a year-long, all-expense-paid
trip to Viet Nam. Mom and I went to live with her folks. This
wasn't so bad, except it gave my grandparents and all their friends
a year's worth of embarrassing stories to tell.
"And then there was the time when Kevin and his cousin drank
gasoline," my grandmother reminisced. "Or the time that..."
By the end of the visit I dreaded the words, "or the time
that..."
Still, it was great to see my grandparents. I know now why my
parents took us on all those trips. It's important to see your
relatives, to know where you came from. Besides, if you don't
visit your relatives, how will you ever hear embarrassing stories
about them?
Short
Cummings Audio
